I want a mulligan. Hit rewind. I didn’t ask for this next chapter. Fuck the universe. Most of my family was taken in minutes. Those dogs deserved a dignified ending in our arms at the end of a natural life. I’m peering around for silver linings.

My dear friend Steve Guy wrote on Facebook for me:

IN MOURNING TODAY

Early this morning (January 18) around 8:00 AM, Joe Hayden was returning from a veterinary visit to the house on Wellfleet in Glen Cove, Vallejo, when he saw indications of a house fire. The house went up in smoke and flames and it looks like most of the interior burned or has smoke damage. Despite having access to the yard we assume the fire blocked the dogs’ exit or confused them. Joe and his neighbor, Jeanette, who was traveling with Joe at the time, attempted to rescue the dogs, but they were unable to get past the fire.

FIVE of the 7 dogs passed away from smoke inhalation.

Cappy, Matty, Pancho, Polar and Snowball passed away from smoke inhalation.

Peaches and Snoopy escaped. Peaches has been returned to her original family. Snoopy and Joe will be staying at Greg and Steve’s until Joe can figure out insurance claims and other details. The house is not inhabitable and it will be months until repair and restoration can make it livable again.

Shando Hayden is safe in Las Vegas.

I’m a broken man.

January 18, 2024, is the worst day of my life because I was not there to protect five innocents who could not speak for themselves or understand the danger.  It was the worst day of my life because I could not see it coming and say goodbye like I did with other pets and even my own family members who had illnesses before they passed away. 

I have asked people who want to do something to give to HSNB.org/donate in memory of the Hayden Dogs that perished while I was out helping my friend and neighbor Jeannette take two foster dogs to get neutered. 

My house was on fire twelve hours after I attended a meeting on (wild) fire prevention as President of our community Association. I’m staying at the home of very close friends with Shando (who flew back from where he was in Las Vegas) and one of the two surviving dogs for as long as I need to.  The other surviving dog was already intended to be returned to her family of origin this weekend.  I’m glad I did not have to devastate them with notification of a sixth death of an innocent life.  That morning Shando was out of town so his trauma is different. He is here helping put things together as we figure out our new life, which will be very different.  I already applied to lease the house next door to our home as it has been on the market.  My neighbors, including the retired fire chief who lives immediately across from me and his wife and so many others on my block and the cul de sac behind me, have been incredible through the process, and I have friends who are claims adjusters and renovation experts.  I’m being overwhelmed by the Vallejo community’s generosity and emotional support.  I suspect my homeowner’s insurance will be comparable to what my mother had and help me rebuild, so it’s taking me some mental adjustment to say yes to having people bring me physical things as I am fixated on mourning the souls lost. 

This is literally the sixth fire my family has suffered in my life. 

Three of them were on base in an apartment building on Governor’s Island when I was a military brat. The apartment across the hall, with adjoining walls, had a pyromaniac kid.  We had to evacuate down the stairs from the 11th floor three times into the cold New York nights.

One of the fires was on Staten Island New York in an adjacent townhouse when my daughter was an infant. Infuriatingly a man with emphysema fell asleep while continuing to smoke and almost killed us all from one floor beneath us, which partly explains my passion for tobacco control).

Then there was my mother’s fluorescent garage light from the 1950’s causing her home to be destroyed in 2016.  My mother, brother, and nephew moved in with Shando and me at that point and my poor mother was diagnosed and died of ovarian cancer within a few months before the house could even be restored.  There’s a lot more to that tragic story, but my point is that I’m now a veteran of going through the long and arduous process of a rebuild/renovation. 

Because of all of this history, I specifically remembered turning off and unplugging appliances as I did ROUTINELY when I left at 5:30 am that morning of January 18, 2024.  I did not allow open flames in my house and I had close calls with my daughter scorching the blinds with her curling iron when she was a teenager.  If anyone fears being in another fire, it’s me.  In none of those fires did I lose a single soul, though, because my mother’s death was NOT related to the fire in her house.

I dedicate countless hours to saving these creatures from an untimely death, so I can’t help but feel I let them down.  Yes I know I gave them good lives, which is well documented.  I’m looking for silver linings and I hope some things will improve in time.  Shando and I are very lucky to be physically unscathed, although I do have some injuries from throwing garden furniture into one of the sliding doors and trying with neighbors to extinguish the back deck before the firemen got there.

My babies died, I’m told by the fire inspector after an extensive investigation, because of a bad extension cord (officially an accident so Shando and I can slow down on beating ourselves up with guilt) connected to a RECLINING COUCH that was only two years old. 

Many of you know how much I love my home and garden.  I post extensively on my blog and even toyed with the idea of having my garden in the Vallejo Garden Tour one year.  The loss of the material things, including many sentimental items from my parents and grandparents that survived my mom’s own fire in Hayward eight years ago, is gone, but it is my innocent loving canines (mostly seniors and one five-year-old and two of whom were BLIND) who deserved a more dignified ending and certainly with me there with them.  Thank FUCK they only suffered inhalation.  I made a point to look at their bodies in the chaos and none of them were burned.  A local veterinarian apparently agreed to cremate them all for free while I was still in a daze after some confusion.  I think one of my amazing neighbors negotiated that on the spot.

There are many more details I’m missing, but I wanted to get some information out.

PLEASE remember to give to HSNB.org site in MEMORY of the HAYDEN FIVE – Capulet, Snowball, Pancho, Polar, and Matty.

I’m a broken man with five family members lost. Our babies did not deserve to die. I believe it was a six-alarm fire. We are overwhelmed with the community’s generosity and we’re working together to help one another through this loss. Our love for our family and each other cannot be denied no matter what happens, but for now, if there isn’t something specific that you can do for us and if you want to do something, helping other homeless dogs and cats would mean so much to us.

This is my friend Barbara and me with the two miracle survivors, Peaches and Snoopy: